


I Confess (I Messed Up)

by orphan_account



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: AU, M/M, Mild Angst, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-12
Updated: 2012-06-12
Packaged: 2017-12-06 12:33:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/735710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So, there's this thing where James totally thinks about kissing boys. A lot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Confess (I Messed Up)

So, there's this thing where James totally thinks about kissing boys. A lot. It's distracting in the most ridiculous of ways. He finds himself staring at lips a lot, boys and girls alike, wondering what it'd be like to fit his lips to whatever boy his eyes land on and wondering why girls' lips don't have the same affect.

It gets him a lot of strange glances, ones that make him feel too tight and uncomfortable in his own skin.

He doesn't like it in the least.

*

James meets Logan at some stupid thing his mother takes him to, some charity event James doesn't care to be at, feeling stuffy and uncomfortable in the tuxedo his mom forced him into.

Logan though, Logan looks good, the cute little bowtie drawing James' eyes up to Logan's face, his dimpled smile as he greets the people he's introduced to, and his lips, jesus. He has a full bottom lip James instantly thinks about biting into, upper lip disappearing when he smiles and James knows instantly that this is the boy he needs to kiss, needs it like the air he breathes.

*

He ends up making his way over to Logan later in the night, urged on by his mother to introduce himself to the Mitchells because apparently they donate a lot of money to the hospital both the elder Mitchells work at.

James is about as awkward as awkward can possibly get, which is so far from the norm for him, but he wrangles a few smiles out of Logan, so he counts it as a win.

Before he knows it, the night is over and he's being dragged away by his mom, muttering something about how she has work to finish and that she needs to be at work early and that they shouldn't have stayed so late.

When they get into the driveway of their house, James realizes he didn't ask for Logan's number and, well, that puts a damper on his entire night because he wants – needs - to see Logan again, every day of his life if possible.

*

James can't get Logan's face out of his head and each day seems longer than the next.

It's not fair that he meets this awesome boy with awesome lips and doesn't get to see him again.

*

Months go by and James spends nearly every one of those days thinking about Logan, and that's probably why he doesn't remember the next charity event the hospital is holding until his mom comes into his room the night of, holding out the clothing bag that houses his tuxedo.

He's up and showering quickly, no complaints leaving his lips as he dresses. He slicks his hair back, ensuring that it won't fall out of place and then he's waiting impatiently for his mom so they can head out, excitement coursing through him at the prospect of seeing Logan again.

*

There seems to be more people than last time and it takes James forever to spot Logan. He's standing off to the side, watching the crowd of people, seemingly disinterested, so James makes his way over to him, offering him a wide smile as a way of greeting him.

"James, right?" Logan asks with a smile.

"Yep. And you're Logan." It's a statement, not a question, but Logan nods as an answer anyway.

Their conversation starts off awkward, Logan complaining about the suit and charity events altogether, James echoing his sentiments.

"I know there's always a huge amount of money being donated to the hospital, but I don't understand the need for these kinds of things every time there's a major contribution," Logan complains, and James mostly agrees, except for how this is apparently the only way he can see Logan, so he doesn't find them that horrible now.

He doesn't say that to Logan, doesn’t want to scare him away by coming on too strong.

They stand there chattering away about movies and music and books until James' mom comes and pulls him away. They'd managed to talk the entire night away, but yet again, James has failed to ask Logan for his number.

His life sucks.

*

James is milling about the mall, looking for a new pair of shoes because the ones he’s wearing just aren’t cutting it anymore. Plus, he desperately needs a new pair of running shoes.

He walks into the Finish Line at the end of the mall, fighting down the urge to squeal like a preteen girl when he spots Logan trying on a pair of shoes. He takes his time, looking at the shoes lining the wall from the front of the store to the back, stopping when he gets to Logan.

“Logan, hey,” James says, trying to tamp down his excitement.

“Oh, hey James,” Logan says, looking up from the shoes he’s checking out.

“Uh, what’s up?” James asks, wincing at how awkward he sounds, and how obviously stupid the question is.

“Oh, y’know, just looking for some new shoes,” Logan replies, gesturing to the shoe on his foot and up at the pair he was eyeing when James walked up to him. “How about you?”

“Same. I need some new running shoes,” James says, eyes fixed on Logan’s face, or more precisely, Logan’s lips.

Logan’s quick to recommend a pair, telling him they’re the same type he always buys for running. James makes note of the shoes Logan points out, deciding instantly that those are the pair he’s buying.

“You run?” James asks, interested.

“Yeah, or I try to. Mom’s always on my case because I eat so much greasy food and she says staying active will help keep me healthy, despite all the ‘disgusting food’ I put into my body. She’s right, obviously, but I just can’t give up fast food. I’ve tried, and it wasn’t fun,” Logan says with a smile. “Anyways. What about you?”

“Yeah, I run a few days a week. My mom’s Brooke Diamond, CEO of Brooke Diamond Cosmetics, so image is always a huge thing for her. Gotta do my best to appease her, keep in shape and all that jazz,” James explains.

“You look like you’re pretty in shape to me,” Logan says, blushing the moment the words leave his mouth.

James smiles, big and wide, standing up a little straighter. “Thanks. You uh, you look pretty in shape, too.”

“Thanks,” Logan says softly, still blushing.

“So hey, I was thinking. We keep running into each other, and I was wondering, maybe I could get your number and we could actually like, hang out, go running together or something,” James says quickly before his nerves die away.

“Yeah, totally. Sounds good to me.”

They exchange numbers quickly and then James goes to ask for the shoes Logan suggested, Logan following behind and asking for the shoes he’s been eyeing. They part soon after that, Logan saying he has to meet a friend.

“Alright, so I’ll call you so we can hang out or something.” James smiles, because fuck yes, he finally has Logan’s number.

“Awesome. I’ll see you later.”

“Yep, later.”

James smiles the whole way to his car, swinging the bag back and forth.

_I finally have Logan’s number._

*

James doesn't get a chance to call Logan over the course of the next couple of weeks, swamped down with an extra load of chores before school starts. It takes him nearly the entire time to clean out the garage, sorting box after box of his mom's cosmetics. When that's all finished, it's time for back to school shopping, the only part James enjoys being the clothes shopping.

Being a senior is hell, James thinks. He's barely into the first week and his backpack is already filled with books, something he curses about every chance he gets. He hates it, wants to throw his books away and forget about school altogether, would much rather be spending his time with Logan.

He never did ask Logan where he goes to school, but he doesn't see him around so he figures Logan must go to the fancy private school just outside of town. Logan definitely seems like the brainy, studious type. It only makes sense, considering both his parents are highly prestigious doctors.

The weekend rolls around and James is swamped in homework. He thought being a senior was going to be fun, but it’s proving to be anything but. There's already too much work, not to mention counselors already pulling students into their offices to discuss what colleges they’re looking at and what they plan on doing.

That's something James doesn't even want to think about.

*

Labor Day weekend is the first weekend following the start of school and James couldn't be more excited about a three-day weekend.

He takes a chance and calls Logan, hoping to catch a movie or something. Logan's phone rings until his voicemail picks up and James ends the call, defeated.

With nothing better to do, James cracks open a textbook, staring down at it in disgust as he starts his load of homework.

*

The ringing of his cell phone startles James awake. He doesn't even remember falling asleep, but one glance at what he was working on and James understands why. He grabs his phone, seeing that Logan's calling and he answers it excitedly, chirping a too loud hello into it.

"Hey, I saw that you called. What's up?"

James is suddenly nervous, drumming his fingers against his desk. "Homework. Or y'know, trying to do homework. It's already bored me to sleep. What about you?"

"Just finished my homework. That's why I didn't answer. Phone is always on silent when I'm doing homework."

"Oh, haha, that's cool. So I was wondering if you wanted to hang out?" James asks, hopeful.

“I uh – yeah. That’d be cool. What’d you have in mind?”

James mentally fist pumps, then quickly realizes he has no suggestions for what they could do, mentally facepalming. “Um, we could grab a bite to eat or catch a movie, maybe.”

Logan agrees and they make plans to meet at a diner in an hour.

It's weird that James feels like this. He's never been so unsure of himself, doubting his every move. He's usually smooth and skilled, sweet talking his way into the heart of the object of his affection. It's not that easy with Logan, and James doesn’t like how it makes him feel.

*

They're sitting across from each other in a booth tucked into a corner of the diner, talking about something that James isn't paying attention to when it slips out. "I uh. I'm pretty sure I like boys, so."

Logan freezes, jaw dropped slightly before he recovers, scrabbling for something to say. All he comes up with is, "Oh, okay."

"Yeah, y'know. Yeah."

And the conversation picks up where it left off, no mentions of James' proclamation.

*

After that day, James doesn't really hear from Logan. He chalks it up to Logan being busy with school and not because of what he said; it makes the ache in his chest hurt less.

*

Weeks and weeks go by and every time James has dialed the numbers to call Logan, he stops at the last minute, clearing the digits and pocketing his phone. He doesn't think it's fair that apparently Logan thinks he should be the one doing all the calling, so he sits and waits, day after day, hoping his phone will ring and Logan's name will appear.

It doesn't happen, and eventually, James stops hoping, trying to move on with his life.

*

There have been a few charity events his mom has wanted him to attend, but every time, James feigns a stomach ache or suddenly has a pile of homework he just has to finish, anything to get out of going with her. He can’t bear to face Logan, and truthfully, he’s not sure he wants to.

The lack of Logan in his life gave James a lot of time to think, mull over the whole friendship, if that's what it could even be called. They didn't really know each other, James is fully aware of that, but now when he looks back, it seems like Logan didn't even want to be his friend, that Logan was simply using him as entertainment means at the boring charity events they were forced to attend. The time at the mall was awkward, as was their meeting at the diner, no matter how much James wants to believe otherwise. It's suddenly all so clear to him that Logan doesn't want to be his friend, considering all the months that have gone by without a word from him.

James feels the need to scream, cry, hit something, so he laces up his running shoes - the stupid fucking shoes Logan recommended - and he darts out of his house, running and running until there's a stitch in his side and his legs burn, distracting him from the way he feels like falling apart.

*

It's unexpected when James picks up his phone nearly 6 months later to see a missed call from Logan. The ache in his chest that he's done his best to ignore suddenly increases, an overwhelming sensation that threatens to crush everything he's done his best to hide away.

He stares down at his phone, contemplating whether or not to call Logan back, and with a deep sigh, he makes his decision, deleting the call from his missed calls list and tossing his phone to the side, willing his heart to stop hurting so much.

*

Three months later, James is in the middle of a grocery store in L.A., his phone tucked against his shoulder as his mom rambles on and on about what groceries he needs to stock his apartment with.

He made the move he’s been waiting his whole life to make, moving cross country for his dream of being famous. His mom hesitantly agreed, transferring enough money into his savings account that’d last him six months, calling every chance she gets to ensure he’s doing okay.

Living in L.A. is a million times different than living in Minnesota, but James is slowly adjusting.

On the phone, his mom says she has to run and they quickly exchange goodbyes, James promising he’ll call her later. It’s weird how they’re so much closer now that he’s moved away than they were before. It’s not like she ever ignored him, she was just intently focused on her cosmetics company and James was busy wallowing in self-pity over the whole Logan situation.

James tucks his phone into his pocket after ending the call and walks over to the produce section, stopping dead in his tracks when he sees Logan.

His heart starts racing, pounding uncomfortably in his chest and he blinks repeatedly, even shakes his head to clear his vision, but sure enough, it’s definitely Logan standing there. James breathes deep and proceeds to grab what he needs as quickly as possible, halting when he hears Logan say his name.

“James?”

“H-hey, Logan,” James says nervously, his eyes on anything that isn’t Logan.

“How-how are you?” Logan looks a little nervous, uncomfortable maybe, but it’s nothing compared to the way James’ heart is trying its damnedest to escape out of his mouth.

“I’m uh – I’m good. How’re you?” Lie. Such a lie. He was doing good, was getting over the sting of Logan apparently wanting nothing to do with him, but now it’s like he’s back at square one and he doesn’t want to have to do this all over again. It was hard enough the first time.

“I’m alright, trying to get settled into my dorm. You here for college?”

“No, not exactly. I’m trying my hand at fame and fortune,” James says with a shrug, feigning disinterest.

“Oh, well, that’s cool. Even with it being such a tough business to break into, I have no doubts that you’ll succeed. You’ve definitely got the looks.” Logan blushes, the same way he had all those months ago when he told James how in shape he looked. James forgot how much that made his heart flutter.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this,” James says, dropping the grocery basket to the floor and walking out, ignoring Logan’s calls of his name from behind him.

This isn’t what he wanted. L.A. was supposed to be a fresh start, away from all the heartache Minnesota – and Logan – brought him, but it’s turning out to be the exact same thing and does not want this.

He gets to his car, the one his mom gave him for graduation that he drove all the way to L.A. by himself, unlocking the doors and climbing in. He’s barely got the door shut before Logan’s there, knocking on the window and pleading for James to talk to him. The way his voice sounds, desperate for James to hear him out, is something James can’t ignore, opening the door and stepping out.

“What do you want, Logan?” James asks, defeated.

“I just, I want to talk to you,” Logan says, tucking his hands into his pockets.

“Okay, talk.” James crosses his arms over his chest, a physical shield that he knows won’t do anything to protect his head and his heart from anything Logan has to say to him.

“Why uh – why did you run from me back there?” Logan asks.

“Really? That’s what you want to talk about? Alright, fine. You know why I ran? Because you can’t fucking say things like ‘you’ve definitely got the looks’ and pretend like the last year didn’t happen. I’ve been attracted to you from the moment I first saw you, okay, and that was hard, allowing myself to finally accept the fact that I like guys, and okay, yes, I obviously wanted to be with you, and clearly that was stupid of me, and it was even stupider of me to tell you I liked boys then because look where that got me. You ignored me for six months, called once, then stopped trying to communicate with me. What is that shit? I felt so – so fucking useless and stupid, not to mention the fact that it felt like you didn’t even want to be my friend, let alone be around me.” James lets it all out, everything he’s kept bottled up for the last year, feeling drained and exhausted by the time he finishes, and a little embarrassed that they’re doing this here, having it out in the middle of a grocery store parking lot.

“I know it doesn’t make it any better, but I’m sorry, alright?” Logan says, sincerity in his voice, “I was working through some stuff of my own and I get it, I get how hard it is to admit to yourself that you’re attracted to your own gender, and I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to admit that to me, and I’m an asshole for ignoring you after that, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t face you after you admitted it because I guess I knew you were attracted to me, and I admit, I felt the same and that scared me because I didn’t want to feel the same. And I just – I messed up.”

Logan’s eyes are wet with tears when he finishes, and James softens, sympathy taking over his entire body.

“And now?” James asks softly.

“I – I like guys,” Logan says, a tear trailing down his cheek and landing at the corner of his mouth, drawing James’ eyes to his lips, the lips that James hasn’t been able to get out of his head no matter how hard he’s tried.

“I like you,” James says quietly, a weight lifted off his shoulders at the admittance.

James can see Logan pondering it, probably wondering how James could still like him even after the way he’s treated James, but he doesn’t question it, says, “I like you, too,” instead.

James swallows nervously, standing up straight and putting his hand out as he says, “Hi, I’m James.”

Logan looks at him with a quirked brow, but takes his hand nonetheless, grip loose and comfortable as he shakes James’ hand. “Hi James, I’m Logan.”

“Hello, Logan. I was wondering if you’d like to accompany me to dinner tonight.”

Logan beams and nods his head, throwing himself into James’ arms. James tilts Logan’s head up and brushes their lips together briefly, sighing at the contact.

He knows deep down that it can’t possibly be this easy, knows there are some things they’ll need to work through, obstacles that’ll get in their way, but this is what he’s wanted for so long that there’s no way he’s going to let it pass him by.

He left Minnesota for a new beginning for himself, but stumbled upon a new beginning with Logan. It doesn’t get much better than that.


End file.
